Funny quotes, humor, etc - 50

Preacher and Church member: 

 At an exclusive social club for the British aristocrats, a 75 year old man  was having a long chat with a  Parish preacher from his locality. He said, " Father, in the past three months I have not had good sleep, not even a wink."

Father: "Harry, you don't seem to have any financial worries. Your grandpa who was in the employ of East India company made a fortune and you inherited part of it. Your  children are well settled. Give me one good reason for your worries".

 Old man: "It is about my wife Victoria. For the past several months she has been nagging me. Frequently she goes on a shopping spree and buys useless stuff and for her age she must stay at home quietly. Instead of servants, I am taking care of the daily chores in her absence. I get restless and the place where I  can get good rest is  the grave in the Church yard".
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Father: "Harry, don't mistake me, you will never get peace of mind in the Hell. For the past, one year you have not attended my Sunday Church services. At this age, you have no fear of God". The devil will take a dig at you in Hell!!
 On hearing this blunt and harsh reply from the father, the old man became angry and retorted back, 
"Father,  your Sunday services are a bore. You talk about everything except God. Your Sunday prayer has become a publicity bonanza for you and your son. You brag about the new Bible published by you and you force the church members to buy your nicely  bound golden-bordered Bible. Your pitch is much worse than salesman's. Your Bible contains lots of your photos taken with world famous Presidents and prime minsters who come to power by throwing all kinds of false promises, but they never follow them through. Any way, as you said I will read the Bible and come to your Sunday services regularly here onward". 

Father:  "Glad, you have become a true christian. How come you have made the right decision so quickly?"
Old man: "Father, if I don't attend the Sunday services I may risk ending up in Hell. If that happens I will see you there in Hell. There, again you will talk about your Bible and the sins. This gives me shudders!! Can you expect the freshly branded cattle back to your place for a fresh bundle of fodder".

 Fake preacher and Swami:

Fake swamiji and disciples.
"Religion becoming a money-spinning business, fake swamis, priests and other preachers have a field day till they get caught by the cops. Such Swamis are not true  soul guides, rather they are foul guides, abusing the religious freedom.  Let us not be misled by such fool guides. In the realm of religion, here and there there may be poisonous thorns and we have to be careful about them".