Funny quotes, humor etc - 60

Pearly dentures:
 A husband told his wife: ''When you were young and smart, I fell for your bright face and  pearly teeth. They  shone like stars. I never thought you would  wear dentures so soon before you reached 48. Any way, still I can see the reflection of pearls  despite the plaque  on them''.

''I never fail to say my prayer to the almighty before dinner' ..... it is not out of fear of God. I say it so that my next dinner will be a good one , not causing indigestion and flatulence. Mind you dear,  twelve long years have gone by, I am yet to lay my hands on good home dinner''.................

A mute Husband:
A husband was telling his old pal when he met  him after  a long time, ''I used to be talkative and inquisitive  during college days. Since marriage I have become a sort of mute, often listening to my master - my wife and running errands for her''.

Man has no break:
''There is no comparison between wrestling match and a marriage where two people fight over nothing. In the wrestling match there is a referee to give you rest to breathe. In marriage there is no referee and the husband can not take a break. You keep fighting till you run out of breath!!''
Contended married life:

''The secret behind a long successful marriage is, though the partners - husband and wife have divergent views, the contentment which  they get  after listening to the  horror stories of other couples''.

Lament of a wealthy man:
A wealthy man was grumbling about his newly wedded wife who happened to be a past beauty queen.  ''Coming from a middle class family my  wife's  nice manicured moving fingers writ checks, having writ move on ... to write checks after checks''. 

Peaceful eternal rest:
In the course of a serious verbal duel the elderly woman said, ''I do not want to get buried close to your grave''. The old man replied, ''That idea is good. I do not like it either and I do not  want my eternal sleep disturbed because  your ear-piercing, hair splitting belching had given me countless sleepless nights ''.

 Slow poison:
There is no difference between love marriage and arranged marriage. The former is chosen by you - the risk is yours and the latter is chosen by your parents and relatives  for you- again the risk is yours.  Any way, both of them are like consuming a small dose of slow poison.

A slave ship
A slave ship captain was  advising his buddy, ''If you want to move your ship fast and good, change the Master in the galley . Instead, put a buxom woman as a Master, then you will realize how fast your slaves are rowing and  how quickly your ship is moving across the bumpy ocean''.
''If there is one war that is fought at home, it is between husband and winner. Mind you, men never emerge victorious. That is the law of nature, rather than  the edit of God''.

 Marriage - a comedy:

Marriage is nothing but a  cocktail mix of  comedy, romance, fights and tragedy thrown here and there. This is the reason  why Shakespeare dramas cover all the three. Without them, the bard knows that life is drab and dry - simply a barren land.